Not doing too well

I am hoping this post will help me feel better, it kinda helped when I posted last time. Lately I have not been doing too good. For the last few weeks I have been trying my hardest not to lose control. I can not focus at all, I am having trouble concentrating on just about anything. The depression is weighing heavily on my mind, my soul. I have really been trying to be “happy”. I envy those who can just be happy. Such a simple thing that is so hard for me to be, to have. Even while writing this I can’t stop crying. I did see my pychiatrist today and he realized that something is not right so my dosage of medicine has been upped. I truly hopes it works. He also prescribed some sleeping pills for me since I am not sleeping at all. It is just so hard to explain. My heart hurts. That doesn’t make sense but I can feel the pain and I don’t like it. Not at all. It is so hard for me to let people in. I have been hurt too many times. I can honestly say I have been trying to let people in and it was hard. But I am so used to people not caring me. It has been that way forever. Would you believe I don’t understand unconditional love? I don’t think I have ever experienced it. I have tried so hard to be what people tell me i should be. But for a short time I stopped doing that. I really tried to find who I am. Find my worth. And I just haven’t found anything. I don’t fit anywhere.I visited a myspace page of family and they had pictures of everybody.The album said my family. My husband’s picture was there, all of my kids. Just not me. Everytime I think about it, it feels like somone punched me. I thought I was family. I guess I’m not. Maybe all the things that are wrong with me is too hard for peoople to deal with. Something about me is just not good enough for people to like me. At least family. Maybe they are sick of hearing about how sad I feel or about my migraines. Maybe they are just sick of me. I feel like I am begging people(family) to be a part of my world, and they just keep turning me away. That is exhausting. I am so tired. I do love my bloggy friends though, even if they do not know I consider them friends. I am happy when I am interacting with them. When I read their comments it makes me smile. The congratulations that my daughter got from them via comments just meant so much. no one else even cares. I know, this is just life and that is how life goes sometimes but it still hurts. People may not care much about me but it hurts even morewhen no one remembers their birthdays or any stuff like that. I am not even talking about gifts. Just picking up a phone, acknowledgement. Luckily they don’t have my hang-ups or disappointments so they have a chance. I know I am not the easiest person to get along with or understand but I have been reaching out for help. I just can’t re ach anymore. I can feel the wall going back up. Is that even possible? I just don’t have the energy anymore, I give up. Hopefully I can keep blogging because that is when I don’t feel all alone. Pathetic right? I just know what it is like when that wall is completely up, it will be even more lonely than now but I will be protected. Well, hopefully tomorrow is a better day. I am going to try to drop a few entrecards, distract myself a little.

Related posts:

1. The things kids say
2. Am I just looking for a fight?