I think a lot about suicide. I know it is not a pretty subject. My first suicide attempt was back in 2003. I remember it as clear as day. I was feeling overwhelmed and defeated. Like a burden to everyone I knew. Especially my husband and children. Every horrible thing ever said to me by family and friends kept bouncing around in my head.
Overly dramatic. Stupid. Looking for attention. Worthless. Yeah these were the things said to me by the people who were supposed to love me. My childhood was full of abuse and I never felt like I mattered. Even as a adult the pain was still there. I was so afraid I would mess up my own kids. I never truly felt love except from my Husband, Aunt, Grandmother and Grandfather but was that enough? On this particular day it wasn’t.
I have had severe depression since around 2000 but did not get officially diagnosed until 2002. I was also diagnosed with social anxiety and had horrible insomnia. On that sunny day in 2003 I hopped in my car with a plan. I was going to take all of my sleeping pills and end it all. I pulled into a local grocery store parking lot and swallowed about 25 pills. I just wanted it all to end. The pain. In my head. In my heart. I wanted it to be over.
I started to doze off. The pills were doing their job. Then I got a phone call from my Aunt. She wanted to know where I was and what I was doing. She was very calm while talking to me. I’m not sure why I remember that. I told her where I was and that was the last thing I remember. I woke up a few hours later.
She literally saved my life.
Those pills put me to sleep in a running car in a shopping lot. If she would not have called, I would not be here today.
That was not the last time I have attempted to take my life. Living with severe depression is very hard. Some days are better than others. Everything is not always rainbows and sunshine. I take it one day at a time. Sometimes one minute at a time. I have a wonderful therapist and psychiatrist in my life to help me deal with my depression and anxiety. I have learned how to recognize my triggers.
When have suicidal thoughts reaching out for help is very important. My Aunt passed away a few years ago so I can no longer reach out to her. I do have a few people I know I can contact if the thoughts won’t go away. This does not work always. I have reached out before when I was feeling like I could not go on. The person brushed me off. But I did not give up and I am glad I didn’t. I know I need multiple people in my corner and I kept on trying. Sometimes through the fog I can see just a shimmer of light.
I used to feel so much shame because of what I have done and been through. It is not an easy subject to talk about.
But this is me and part of my story. Suicide is serious and not a joke.
If you feel suicidal please reach out for help. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number 1-800-273-8255 or 911
If you know someone who is struggling with life be a friend and reach out. Check in on them. Listen and offer a shoulder to cry on. It can make a difference.