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Losing the fight

Today was not really a good day for me. I suffer from severe depression and social anxiety. That is why I am currently on Zoloft. The medication helps sometimes. Except when I forget to take it when I “think” I am better. There are times when I am loving life and everyone in it. Then there are the days like today. I just feel this immense sadness. It is sort of unexplainable. I think deep in my heart I knew that moment was coming. I have been having migraines nonstop for the last 2 weeks. Unfortunately doctors just write it off to a stress headache. Except there are times I can never get rid of it. At least it is not as bad as previous times. Those times were really bad. I felt no hope and was literally lost.

At least this time I have blogging. It is like some type of outlet for me. This blogging thing is sometimes like a double edged sword. Because of my social anxiety I have really bad panic attacks when faced with social situations, so I don’t have any friends. But through blogging I meet some really cool and different people so I feel like I am not so “weird”. When I have those terrible times when I can not leave the house at least I can communicate with the world through blogging. But sometimes it is still hard. It is even harder to explain. Mix that with a little depression and then it is not so good. But blogging keeps me focused and I get a chance to help people and just be myself.

Ok, I’m not sure why there are tears running down my face while typing this. Today is just a hard day for me. I don’t know. just feeling a little worthless and not good enough. not a good enough wife, mother, person. I finished all the laundry so that is good. It was about 11 loads or so. Sometimes blogging is so hard. There are so many good bloggers out there. I wonder do I have it in me. i have been thinking about just trying to get a job. but i am not sure if that will work out either. Sometimes life is just hard. I think it is even harder to find who you really are, inside. I know I want to be as honest and loving as I possibly can be. I don’t want to be who everyone else wants me to be, even if the real me isn’t good enough. I just want to be happy. I pray tomorrow will be better. So I’m off to take my medicine and hopefully get some sleep.

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5 Comments

  • Reply Nanci

    You are a brave woman to share your situation. I hope you felt better from this post. I also hope you had wonderful, relaxing dreams.

    May 20, 2008 at 4:29 pm
  • Reply Connie

    Blogging is a good way to get through times like this. It’s so common to want to stop those meds when you feel better. Take care and keep in touch. I go through what you do. Would love to share with you.

    May 20, 2008 at 4:37 pm
  • Reply Saph

    I’m so sorry you are having such a hard time. {Hugs}

    May 20, 2008 at 5:10 pm
  • Reply 1stopmom

    thanks so much for the kind words. they really help a lot.

    May 21, 2008 at 2:50 am
  • Reply Patty

    I hope you are feeling better. I have many days like yours and am yet to blog about them…so you should feel very brave for reaching out. Stop by sometime.

    May 24, 2008 at 9:15 am
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