Today was not really a good day for me. I suffer from severe depression and social anxiety. That is why I am currently on Zoloft. The medication helps sometimes. Except when I forget to take it when I “think” I am better. There are times when I am loving life and everyone in it. Then there are the days like today. I just feel this immense sadness. It is sort of unexplainable. I think deep in my heart I knew that moment was coming. I have been having migraines nonstop for the last 2 weeks. Unfortunately doctors just write it off to a stress headache. Except there are times I can never get rid of it. At least it is not as bad as previous times. Those times were really bad. I felt no hope and was literally lost.
At least this time I have blogging. It is like some type of outlet for me. This blogging thing is sometimes like a double edged sword. Because of my social anxiety I have really bad panic attacks when faced with social situations, so I don’t have any friends. But through blogging I meet some really cool and different people so I feel like I am not so “weird”. When I have those terrible times when I can not leave the house at least I can communicate with the world through blogging. But sometimes it is still hard. It is even harder to explain. Mix that with a little depression and then it is not so good. But blogging keeps me focused and I get a chance to help people and just be myself.
Ok, I’m not sure why there are tears running down my face while typing this. Today is just a hard day for me. I don’t know. just feeling a little worthless and not good enough. not a good enough wife, mother, person. I finished all the laundry so that is good. It was about 11 loads or so. Sometimes blogging is so hard. There are so many good bloggers out there. I wonder do I have it in me. i have been thinking about just trying to get a job. but i am not sure if that will work out either. Sometimes life is just hard. I think it is even harder to find who you really are, inside. I know I want to be as honest and loving as I possibly can be. I don’t want to be who everyone else wants me to be, even if the real me isn’t good enough. I just want to be happy. I pray tomorrow will be better. So I’m off to take my medicine and hopefully get some sleep.
Hi all you MommyFest Bloggers and welcome to my blog. So, I guess I need to introduce myself. Let’s see, I am a stay at hom mom to 3 girls (14,10, and 5) and 1 boy(8). I have been married almost 12 years (for some odd reason I keep thinking 13, lol). My hubby is my best friend in the world and we have been together for 16 years. I am addicted to blogging and video games. Just got Mario Wii for Mother’s Day. We have the original Nintendo, Playstation, Xbox, Wii, PSP, Gamecube, Gameboy Advance, and DS. I am a reality show junkie. Back in the day it started with Real World. Now I watch Top Chef, Making da Band, Run’s House, Survivor, Big Brother and the Amazing Race to name a few. I hate the outdoors but we live right next to a nature preserve because my DH and kids love nature. I have social anxiety disorder but blogging helps because I meet some really cool people.
Thanks for stopping by and please leave a comment so I can visit your blog too. Have fun!!
Wow, there are so many things I have learned in the last 14 years.
- I can sleep without really sleeping. I always have one ear open. You know in case someone wakes up or falls out of bed.
- I have developed “Mommy Hearing”. No matter where my kids are in or around the house I can hear everything they say. Especially when they are picking on each other or playing who can say the most digusting thing in the world.
- That anything I say don’t do, my kids are guaranteed to do it or at least give it a good try!
- That at least twice a day, one of my kids will be mad at me.
- Kids can figure out passwords to unblock channels on satellite so pick something other than 1-2-3-4!!
- My kids will repeat everything I say to everyone who should not hear it.
- That my kids are really amazing and smart.
- That I do have enough love in my heart for all these little monsters. lol.
- That Toy Story 2 can make me cry.
- That unconditional love does exsist.
- That I can put someone before myself and not mind.
- The baby of the family can be a bully.
- That it is ok not be supermom, honestly.
- Teenagers embarrass easily, unless they need a ride or money
- Nothing is better than a hug or a I love you from your kids. It is one of the best feelings in the world!!
Almost missed another blog party, but I am ready now. So welcome Mommies!! I am 1stopmom. I can’t wait to visit all of your blogs.
Let’s see 5 things about me:
1. I love strawberry lemonade
2. I have social anxiety disorder
3. Flavor of love and Maury paternity test show are my guilty pleasures (shhh, don’t tell)
4. I chew gum constantly. And I mean all the time. This is how my husband finds me when we are out in public. The kids have also told me this is how they hear me coming. I pop my gum nonstop, but I do not realize it.
5. Even though I may complain about being a stay at home mom sometimes, there is nowhere else I would rather be .
Now on to blog hopping, it may take me a while but I will visit all you guys. Just don’t look at me weird when you see a comment from Blog Fest 2008 when it is Christmas time, lol!!
In September Jazz will be starting high school and she told me transportation by yellow bus is not provided. I started thinking “Oh man, I am going to have to figure out a plan since I will be driving all the kids to school next year.” The hardest part would be with school start and dismissal times. Jazz’s school is over 45 minutes away from our home while the school the younger ones attend is only 5 minutes away. Jazz, being in such a hurry to grow up, suggests catching the city bus. The first thing I said is “No way!” I am a big time worrier (not sure if that is even a word). If it can be worried about then it is on my mind. I started thinking what if she gets lost, what if she forgets her phone, her phone could go dead, what if someone tries to grab her, what if she falls asleep on the bus? And it just goes on and on. It’s funny because I started catching the city bus when I was 10. But dare I say it? Times were a different 23 years ago. I know I have to let her grow up a little. So I have made a decision that from now until school starts she can take trips to the mall or a relative’s house by city bus. She can not ride the bus alone just yet. She will have to take Nannah until I feel she knows how to catch the bus pretty well. She has to have her phone charged completely before leaving the house and carry enough change for the payphone in case her phone has problems. She needs to call/text me when she has made it to the bus stop, again when she is on the bus, when she makes it to her destination, and when she is on her way home. There will be no riding the bus after dark. I will be letting her take her first bus ride Saturday to the mall. I am so nervous!!! K.K has already said she wants to go but I am not ready for that at all!
I has been years since I have taken a ride on the city bus so I went online to see how many buses Jazz would have to take to get to school. Mapquest is so cool. I typed in our address and her school address and it gave me three options to choose from for bus routes to her school. It even lists the times and everything. When I was riding the city bus all you had was a little pamphlet with the “possible” bus arrival times. So I feel a little better because she only has to take 1 bus to school. This just might work after all.
Well I just got back from taking all 4 kids to the dentist. It actually was a pretty nice visit. Dr. Peterson is really good with kids and he always gives me a free teeth whitening kit. One of the best parts is when it was K.K.’s turn to go back, she spoke! And not a just a little, this is the most vocal she has ever been with someone who is not family. That gives me lots of hope considering my recent post, Speechless – but not for long.
Jazz and Nannah both had no cavities. Yayyy! Nannah had to get 2 teeth pulled in the back. Her grown up teeth were starting to come in even though the other teeth have not completely fallen out yet. Luckily they were barely hanging on. TJ and Kayla had a 5 cavities between them. With Kayla I dropped the ball a little. She drank more juice through sippy cups then her sisters and brother so 2 of her back teeth are really bad. She got a silver cap on one today, we go back in 2 weeks to fix the other. Kayla also has 2 teeth coming out in the front so the tooth fairy will be making a visit soon! I think kids look so cute with those toothless smiles, don’t you?