Today was not really a good day for me. I suffer from severe depression and social anxiety. That is why I am currently on Zoloft. The medication helps sometimes. Except when I forget to take it when I “think” I am better. There are times when I am loving life and everyone in it. Then there are the days like today. I just feel this immense sadness. It is sort of unexplainable. I think deep in my heart I knew that moment was coming. I have been having migraines nonstop for the last 2 weeks. Unfortunately doctors just write it off to a stress headache. Except there are times I can never get rid of it. At least it is not as bad as previous times. Those times were really bad. I felt no hope and was literally lost.
At least this time I have blogging. It is like some type of outlet for me. This blogging thing is sometimes like a double edged sword. Because of my social anxiety I have really bad panic attacks when faced with social situations, so I don’t have any friends. But through blogging I meet some really cool and different people so I feel like I am not so “weird”. When I have those terrible times when I can not leave the house at least I can communicate with the world through blogging. But sometimes it is still hard. It is even harder to explain. Mix that with a little depression and then it is not so good. But blogging keeps me focused and I get a chance to help people and just be myself.
Ok, I’m not sure why there are tears running down my face while typing this. Today is just a hard day for me. I don’t know. just feeling a little worthless and not good enough. not a good enough wife, mother, person. I finished all the laundry so that is good. It was about 11 loads or so. Sometimes blogging is so hard. There are so many good bloggers out there. I wonder do I have it in me. i have been thinking about just trying to get a job. but i am not sure if that will work out either. Sometimes life is just hard. I think it is even harder to find who you really are, inside. I know I want to be as honest and loving as I possibly can be. I don’t want to be who everyone else wants me to be, even if the real me isn’t good enough. I just want to be happy. I pray tomorrow will be better. So I’m off to take my medicine and hopefully get some sleep.
Hi all you MommyFest Bloggers and welcome to my blog. So, I guess I need to introduce myself. Let’s see, I am a stay at hom mom to 3 girls (14,10, and 5) and 1 boy(8). I have been married almost 12 years (for some odd reason I keep thinking 13, lol). My hubby is my best friend in the world and we have been together for 16 years. I am addicted to blogging and video games. Just got Mario Wii for Mother’s Day. We have the original Nintendo, Playstation, Xbox, Wii, PSP, Gamecube, Gameboy Advance, and DS. I am a reality show junkie. Back in the day it started with Real World. Now I watch Top Chef, Making da Band, Run’s House, Survivor, Big Brother and the Amazing Race to name a few. I hate the outdoors but we live right next to a nature preserve because my DH and kids love nature. I have social anxiety disorder but blogging helps because I meet some really cool people.
Thanks for stopping by and please leave a comment so I can visit your blog too. Have fun!!
Wow, there are so many things I have learned in the last 14 years.
- I can sleep without really sleeping. I always have one ear open. You know in case someone wakes up or falls out of bed.
- I have developed “Mommy Hearing”. No matter where my kids are in or around the house I can hear everything they say. Especially when they are picking on each other or playing who can say the most digusting thing in the world.
- That anything I say don’t do, my kids are guaranteed to do it or at least give it a good try!
- That at least twice a day, one of my kids will be mad at me.
- Kids can figure out passwords to unblock channels on satellite so pick something other than 1-2-3-4!!
- My kids will repeat everything I say to everyone who should not hear it.
- That my kids are really amazing and smart.
- That I do have enough love in my heart for all these little monsters. lol.
- That Toy Story 2 can make me cry.
- That unconditional love does exsist.
- That I can put someone before myself and not mind.
- The baby of the family can be a bully.
- That it is ok not be supermom, honestly.
- Teenagers embarrass easily, unless they need a ride or money
- Nothing is better than a hug or a I love you from your kids. It is one of the best feelings in the world!!
Almost missed another blog party, but I am ready now. So welcome Mommies!! I am 1stopmom. I can’t wait to visit all of your blogs.
Let’s see 5 things about me:
1. I love strawberry lemonade
2. I have social anxiety disorder
3. Flavor of love and Maury paternity test show are my guilty pleasures (shhh, don’t tell)
4. I chew gum constantly. And I mean all the time. This is how my husband finds me when we are out in public. The kids have also told me this is how they hear me coming. I pop my gum nonstop, but I do not realize it.
5. Even though I may complain about being a stay at home mom sometimes, there is nowhere else I would rather be .
Now on to blog hopping, it may take me a while but I will visit all you guys. Just don’t look at me weird when you see a comment from Blog Fest 2008 when it is Christmas time, lol!!