I have had a few people ask me what is Social Anxiety Disorder. most people have never heard of it before. Sometimes I find it hard to explain. I feel so ashamed about it sometimes. This is a big step I am taking by talking about it. I hoping by writing about it, maybe it will get a little easier to deal with and help me find myself.
It is basically an anxiety disorder characterized by overwhelming anxiety and excessive self-consciousness in normal everyday social situations. It is not the same for everyone. I did not realize exactly what this was until I was diagnosed about 5- 6 years ago. In my particular situation I am anxious about everything. If there is a upcoming wedding or funeral I literally get sick. My hands shake and I get really bad headaches. Sometimes I even get dizzy. I am not comfortable in any type of social situation. It does not matter if I know the person or not. I always feel liked I am being judged and talked about. I feel like others are judging my parenting style choices, what I am wearing, everything I say, my actions, everything I don’t say, everything thing I do. There have been times where I have felt forced to participate in social gatherings and I feel so much anxiety I burst into tears. My anxiety is so severe there are times I don’t leave the house for days.This has always been a part of my life. I don’t go to a lot of social stuff because I don’t want my family (husband and the kids) to be ashamed of me. No matter how much I try I feel like a horrible wife and mother. Because of my social anxiety I can not make friends so I pretty much have none, I could not attend my college graduation, sometimes I can’t go to school functions for the kids, I get nervous talking on the phone, I have turned down job offers or backed out of interviews all together and sometimes I do not attend parties or family get togethers. Some people call me anti social but I do not feel that is the correct label. I would not mind being more social, hell I would love to be more social and have friends and all that stuff. I just can’t. Even typing about it my heart is beating out of my chest and my hands are shaking a little.
Last year I found this site, called social anxiety friends. It was really reassuring to find people who completely understood me and were like me. I stopped going to it because I thought I was over it. How silly does that sound? I wasn’t over my anxiety, just denying it. Well, I am going back to visit today. I think it will be good for me. I sure hope so.hanks for letting me ramble once again. Today is definitely a little better than yesterday
The kids and I just finished a funny game of Memory. The reason it was so funny is because I have the worst memory in the world so I always lose horribly. The kids could not believe I could not remember a card I pulled over in my last turn. Nannah even accused me of letting K.K. win. That is so far from the truth. Nannah and K.K. have been the queens of this game for as long as I remember. Well, we started talking about adding a few more games to our collection. We need another Connect Four because all of the pieces are misssing and we need another Uno set because the kids lost the cards. We went online to check prices and found out about this cool version of Uno. I have never saw this before but it looks fun. The deck now includeds this card that says spin on it. If you get that card you get to spin the wheel (i love spinning wheels,lol) The wheel decides if you get to discard cards, pick up more or exchange hands with another player. I really like the idea of this because then the game is totally unpredictable and everyone has a fair chance of winning. I can’t wait to catch it on sale and give it a try.
Today was not really a good day for me. I suffer from severe depression and social anxiety. That is why I am currently on Zoloft. The medication helps sometimes. Except when I forget to take it when I “think” I am better. There are times when I am loving life and everyone in it. Then there are the days like today. I just feel this immense sadness. It is sort of unexplainable. I think deep in my heart I knew that moment was coming. I have been having migraines nonstop for the last 2 weeks. Unfortunately doctors just write it off to a stress headache. Except there are times I can never get rid of it. At least it is not as bad as previous times. Those times were really bad. I felt no hope and was literally lost.
At least this time I have blogging. It is like some type of outlet for me. This blogging thing is sometimes like a double edged sword. Because of my social anxiety I have really bad panic attacks when faced with social situations, so I don’t have any friends. But through blogging I meet some really cool and different people so I feel like I am not so “weird”. When I have those terrible times when I can not leave the house at least I can communicate with the world through blogging. But sometimes it is still hard. It is even harder to explain. Mix that with a little depression and then it is not so good. But blogging keeps me focused and I get a chance to help people and just be myself.
Ok, I’m not sure why there are tears running down my face while typing this. Today is just a hard day for me. I don’t know. just feeling a little worthless and not good enough. not a good enough wife, mother, person. I finished all the laundry so that is good. It was about 11 loads or so. Sometimes blogging is so hard. There are so many good bloggers out there. I wonder do I have it in me. i have been thinking about just trying to get a job. but i am not sure if that will work out either. Sometimes life is just hard. I think it is even harder to find who you really are, inside. I know I want to be as honest and loving as I possibly can be. I don’t want to be who everyone else wants me to be, even if the real me isn’t good enough. I just want to be happy. I pray tomorrow will be better. So I’m off to take my medicine and hopefully get some sleep.